The Fake Eye: Alternate Universe Crust-Punk Kanye Respectfully Declines 47th Grammy

Drew Kaufman February 10, 2015 Features No Comments

punk kanye

HOLLYWOOD, MD–Reminding us all that he is the nicest guy in the business, Alternate Universe Crust-Punk Kanye graciously declined his 47th Grammy during this year’s ceremony at the Arby’s Center in Hollywood, Maryland.

“Thank you so much, but I have to decline this award.” said the 37 year-old humble crust-punk, wearing inexpensive torn jeans and a secondhand denim vest. “There are so many people I love and respect more than myself.”

West, who first achieved notoriety in the early 2000s for saying “[President] Al Gore doesn’t care about Black People” on live television, has been known for his altruism and social consciousness. Since then, West has donated over 90% of his profits to various charities and organizations, reminding the youth of the world to concern themselves less with money and material goods.

West has steadfastly refused to allow his music to be used in commercials or movie trailers. In an interview with the zine, Rolling Stone, Mr. West joked “If Tom Waits wants to work for Pepsi, why doesn’t he get himself a suit  and an office in their headquarters and be done with it?”

Controversy arose at the 2009 CSPAN Music Video Awards when Alternate Universe artist, Black Metal Taylor Swift, stormed the stage and grabbed the microphone from West as he was accepting the award for best male video. “Imma let you finish,” said the 21 year-old cookie monster vocalist, “But Alternate Universe Hip Hop Burzum had one of the best music videos of all time!”

black metal t swift

However, it seems that Mr. West has since buried the hatchet, inviting Swift to pose with his posse of punk artists last night, including Jay-Z, Beyonce´and Rihanna–who was also nominated for a Grammy for her collaboration with 63 year-old Joe Strummer.

“I can’t stand being the center of attention, nor do I want to be idolized in such a way that it would discourage the youth of America to focus on the consumerism and capitalism inherent with success in the music industry,” added Crust Punk Kanye West. “Please, give this award to Alternate Universe Goth Beck.”

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About The Author

Drew Kaufman is a comedian, cartoonist, and the last living ska fan in Brooklyn, NY. He also co-created Two Minutes to Late Night: the world's first heavy metal-themed talk show.

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